I haven't felt much like writing these past couple of days. Something about being tortured by your own wizard leaves a bad taste in your mouth. He did bring me back from an early grave... but still.
Gunther hasn't said much, and neither has Tallow. Grens travels on his own, practically. Him, the skeleton and the burro - which has been strangely quiet around Junior lately. I worry Grens even did something to the poor ass.
Meanwhile the chief has been trying to chat me up. He seems to like me. I don't know why. I guess it's because I'm the only one who can keep a civil tongue. The other day he tried to ask us what the count is like.
"I don't really know him," I responded, keeping my eyes on the trail in front of me. "He just gave us this quest and sent us out."
"How does he rule? Is he a strong man?"
"I haven't even seen him--"
"Aw, shut it, Roger," Tallow interrupted.
"You are brash, human," the chief responded.
"He's just--"
"He's trying to get intel. Intel he doesn't need to have."
"Whats he going to do? You think his little gang here can overthrow the count?"
"Fuck if I know. Just don't talk to him."
"He's right, Rog," said Gunther. "We were just hired to come get the little fucker. We don't have to like him none."
I sighed. "He seems a lot more likable than that conjurer over there."
"What's with you two, anyway?" asked Gunther.
"Well..."
"Seems like you don't even speak to each other."
"He doesn't speak much to anyone."
"Yep."
Long pause. I didn't want to talk about it with the chief right there. He got the hint and pulled his worg away, guiding it over to take a piss on a big jack pine and letting us walk on ahead.
"He fucking attacked me, Gunth."
"What?"
"No shit," answered Tallow. "That guy is no good."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you know how that rex tried to wear me for a shoe? And magic fingers over there had to bring be back?"
"Yeah."
"So he brings me back, heals me up, and then right away he curses me. Damn near killed me a second time."
"You weren't dead, Cap."
"Well whatever, he healed me and then cursed me. And then healed me again.
"Doesn't sound like much of a curse."
"Yeah, sounds like you got a twofer."
"Are you not hearing me? He ripped me apart. He ripped my fucking insides apart."
"Yeah, but he put it back."
I scowled at Tallow. "Yeah, let's try it on you."
"Whoa Cap. Leave me out of this."
"I don't know if I can. He's pissed because of our little stunt with Junior."
"What?" Gunther seemed truly surprised.
"Yeah, me and Tallow busted up Junior a while back. Put him down when you-know-who wasn't watching. You seemed pretty happy about it, while it lasted."
"Yeah, I--" Gunther stopped midsentence. He stayed silent for a long time until I spoke again.
"You remember it?"
"Pssh." Another minute of quiet. "Couldn't forget that. I hate that little fucker."
This was the first time Gunther directly talked about the problems with being a PC. The compulsion, the weird "glitches" in reality, the nearly unlimited power of the demons controlling us. I perked up and looked over at him. But I wasn't prepared for what he said next.
"Maybe we should just kill Grens instead."
I almost tripped. "What?" asked Tallow.
"What?" I echoed.
Gunth shrugged. "Just a thought."
We wrapped up that conversation pretty quick. Later on, the chief started asking questions again.
"It seems like you have two minds, human."
"Why would you say that?"
"You speak with sense. But in battle you are like blind ox raging with shitworms."
Hmm. Fair enough. "Yeah and you're too nosy. But I have some questions for you now. For starters, how do you know Constable Argon?"
"Who?"
"Sariss Argon."
"O. Ha! I call him Half-Bottom Argon. Because half his father's seed must have missed his proper wife and dribbled onto a human girl."
I had absolutely nothing to say to that.
The chief continued. "I think you will see for yourself. I would hate to tell you, huh, any 'intel', right?"
"Whatever. You got any problem with hurting him?"
"No, I'll kill him. If it will get us on to your city my oath can be done sooner."
"Yeah, well we don't need to kill him. We just need to get him tied up and take him back to Frankton. To 'our city'."
"Why not just kill him?
Must be a big sale on murderous intent somewhere. "Because he has to face the Count's justice for what he did."
"What will your count do?"
"Hang him or quarter him, I hope."
"Then just kill him now. It's faster."
"We don't have the right."
"But he could escape on the way to your city."
I looked over my shoulder at the chief's war band, straggling out over half a mile of trail. "Your boys gonna let him go?"
"If he annoys us."
"Or maybe just eat him?"
The chief gave me a serious look. "We're not orcs."
I laughed. "You gonna keep your word?"
"For now." Ah, honesty.
"Alright. So we need to go to Tine Gorge and get the fucker. You been there?"
Now the chief laughed, a papery, scathing laughter. "You have bent over in front of a wild boar?"
"Ummm... no?"
"No."
"Alright. So it's laid out on the east side of..."
"I've seen it, human. I just haven't been there."
He sure knew how to break down an otherwise useful conversation. "Alright, and it seems like half the town is friends with the constable. The other half is scared of him."
"With the what?"
"The half-bottom."
"Ah. Sure."
He seemed to think we had finished our planning session. It took me a minute to figure out why.
"We can't kill them all!"
"Just the ones that fight."
"No! No killing. We scare them all."
Chief shrugged. "Sure, same thing."
I spun to face the hobgoblin and glowered at him. "Look, no one dies. No one!"
He stared at me.
"If we go in and kill, we are the outlaws. You just got into the law, it's too early to get out. If we break the law we'll be hunted down. We'll be killed within a year. You get me?"
"I'm not your foot-soldier, human."
"Yeah, you don't even deserve to hold a spear in human lands. You're a fucking baby. You need to learn how we handle this shit, you got me?"
The chief regarded me with fiery eyes and a snaggled, fanged sneer. "I will do my best to leave them alive."
His best. Well, it was a start.
"I hate human lands," he added.
"Then next time stay in your own fucking lands."
"You have a plan or just going to motivate me all morning?"
"Here's the plan. Constable--Half-Bottom--probably expects us to come back sometime. I mean us humans. And he'll plan on running us out of town, or jailing us or something. He sure won't take kindly to us."
"Understandable."
"So we're going to park it on the hill above the gorge. Let him see us. Let him come out and say hello. Your beasts will be hiding behind the hill. When he starts up, we'll give you a signal. You circle around him and we take him prisoner. Alive."
"Alive."
"Right."
"What about when he won't come up the hill?"
"Why wouldn't he come up the hill?"
"Because he is smarter than baby possum."
I nodded, trying to keep myself under control. "So then we go in the town."
The chief didn't answer. He didn't have to. I saw the problem with my own plan half a moment later.
"But he'd see you all coming... and you can't cross without using the bridge."
The chief grunted in agreement.
"Shit."
"How bad can you see at night?"
"Yeah, we could do it." I knew what he was getting at. "Hide out in the hills until nightfall, then just walk in. He has to come out and challenge us, it's his job. Then we tackle him."
"He will be hard to catch."
"Do you have any nets?"
"We could make one."
"Yeah, we should do that."
"Seems hard being human."
I sighed. "No," I answered. "It's just hard being a PC."
Chief stopped walking. I turned to look at him for the second time. This time he was the one with the serious look.
"You are PC?"
O fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Why did I say it? I didn't answer out loud, but that was enough to tell him the answer.
"Harr-Gobelsh!" he spun and bellowed out over the valley trail behind us. All his troops stopped in place except the ones carrying the tyrannosaurus corpse. They had their momentum up and weren't about to stop.
"Harr-Gobelsh!" he repeated. "Tar in echu-teblain, in sharr do gelth! Aktu!"
Heavy beastmen feet began jogging, trotting then running toward their chief and us few humans. Weapons appeared in hands. Shields rose. Double-time, triple-time the beasts ran toward us.
"Shit." As usual, that was the mantra of the day.
No comments:
Post a Comment