Day 22: Bone of Retention

Prepare yourself, O journal, for a tale of wonder and excitement.

Last night after writing, I thought some more about my plan to talk about the skeleton. I looked around the campfire at my companions and thought, well, maybe these aren't the right people for a little town hall meeting. Maybe not even the right people to bring into a town. So I cooked up a plan.

"Tallow, I can take second watch tonight."

"Well aren't you a sweetheart Cap. Sure thing. Gunth, first or last?"

"Last."

"Junior can stand watch," Grens objected.

"Junior can suck the sweat off my unwashed ass," replied Gunther.

Grens didn't say anything, but he waved his hand. Click-click-rickatickatick, and over comes the skeleton, spear and all. Gunther didn't move at first, expecting Grens to call it off before it got too close. But the skeleton just kept coming.

"Quit it, man," said Gunther.

"What? Your desire is our command. Better living through cadavers."

"Call it off, Wizard!"

"Say please."

"Fuck you."

"No, my friend, I won't join in. That's between you and Junior."

At this point Gunther was standing, the mule was kicking and shitting (but luckily tied up at a tree), and "Junior" was closing in, reaching one hand toward Gunth at pelvis- or ass-level.

"This isn't funny, Wizard!"

"No, but so romantic. Watch out for his teeth though!"

Gunther tried to make a stand but as soon as the skeleton's bony finger touched his rear end he jumped a good three feet off the ground and darted away. "Call it off!"

"Say please!"

Gunth ran out of the campsite in a fit of cursing, while Tallow and I laughed so hard we almost wet ourselves. I might not like the skeleton but I sure like Grens' improved attitude.

Anyway, eventually Gunther said please and Grens stopped horsing around. They went to sleep, as I should have too. But I acted like I wasn't tired and stayed sitting against the log with Tallow. I waited till I was really, truly certain the others were asleep. Then I spoke.

"Tallow," I whispered. "Are you alone?"

Tallow didn't say anything at first. He stayed real still and thought it over. Then he said, "D'you ever think maybe I don't know what you're talking about?" He said it just as soft as I did, like he didn't want to wake anyone either. So I waited. I must have waited three full minutes for him to go on. "But if I did know what you're talking about," he said at last, "Maybe the answer is yes."

I nodded. "I want to get rid of that skeleton."

"Yep."

"You in?"

"What're you thinking?"

I told him we should drag Grens off a little way, then force him to destroy the thing. Tallow chuckled, then admonished me. "Grens is alive. Junior is dead. If we're going to bring out weapons it should be Junior."

"Yeah but how? Maybe you didn't see in the mine but blades barely scratch it."

Tallow laughed for the second time, a little louder before catching himself and looking to make sure the others were still asleep. "You don't get out much, do you Cap?"

"What do you mean?"

"Of course blades don't. Blades are meant to go through flesh. They usually stop at the bone. But bones can be broken."

"So what... rocks?"

"Nah, I'd make a pair of clubs. All we need are some branches that are the right size. We can find 'em around here no problem."

"So now?"

Another pause. Then: "Sure, now."

I went first, walking off into the pines in the direction that wasn't toward the burro or the bone man. Once he was sure I hadn't woken the others, Tallow got up and followed. We picked up a few pieces of dead wood, but it was too dried out and light. I pulled on a branch of a tree but it would be way too loud getting the thing off. We had to spend some time looking around, and I just kept getting tempted by the big loose rocks lying around. We could use those. But they'd be awkward to wield, and we had to take the thing down quick. We went to three different thickets of trees before we were able to find two already-fallen, still-green, not-rotten chunks of wood.

I set about with my knife skinning the bark off of them, and Tallow sneaked over to camp to make sure we weren't missed. Within a couple minutes of fairly quiet work I had a pair of clubs with smooth (if sticky) handles. Tallow took one and we circled around toward the skeleton.

I wasn't really sure how this would work. Would it fight back? Would it wake up Grens? Anything? Just in case, I stayed on the near side of the bastard and Tallow went wide around to the other side. I waited, unable to see or hear my partner and barely able to see the skeleton standing sentry.

"Phweeet!" I cringed inwardly at the whistle. He could've at least made it sound like an owl. Still, I charged.

As I burst out of the brush and skidded on loose rocks, I had a moment of fear that I was all alone. I didn't see Tallow anywhere. But then he was there across from me, charging toward our mutual target.

I strangled the war cry that rose in my throat, trying to keep as quiet as possible given the circumstances. Tallow and I hit the bastard at almost the same moment, sending him reeling.

For his its part the skeleton wailed: a keen harsher and longer than any bereaved woman could raise. It was a rising, warbling, hollow howl of--warning? I guess he took this guard duty thing seriously.

I swung again, and so did Grens. We knocked the shit out of it. The thing danced away from us, its bare leg bones stepping high over the loose terrain. Just when I thought we were going to finish it off it struck a fighting posture and raised its spear high for and overhead stab. I dove to the side in defence, while Tallow made himself small on the other side and prepared to deflect it with his club.

The spear point glistened in the night, gleaming with what little light there was. I waited for it to come down, planning to try to block it.

It didn't move.

Bewildered but not stupid, I skipped forward and quickly smashed its face. Teeth went flying everywhere. Tallow took the opportunity to get behind the critter and knock it hard in the spine.

"No!" A shout from behind us. I ignored it, pressing my attack, hitting it over and over. Tallow knocked apart its free arm, I collapsed the crown of its head, and then it fell to its knees.

I recognised the movement--I'd seen it before when goblins or men died on their feet. The spreading of the arms (or arm, in this case); the slow kneeling down, the trembling as they go. Thing is, they're supposed to fall face-down after that and gurgle. Instead, the skeleton simply disconnected. Whatever forsaken force held that thing together just evapourated all of a sudden, and the bones disarticulated and fell to the ground. A short, gruesome shower.

"You pricks!" Grens ran up beside us. There was true fury on his face. Tallow and I just stared at him.

"Do you have any idea what that cost me?" he shouted. "You... you... Augh, one more spear! We had one more spear, one more fucking ally! There's four of us, gods help us, four against what? How many? And he never slept! Do you have any idea what you just did to us? You fucking pricks!"

We let him go on like that till he ran out. He looked at us like we had answers for him. Tallow just shrugged and started back toward camp. I shook my head.

"It's wrong, Grens. It's just wrong."

He was shaking all over, actually shivering with rage. He clenched his fists, but he didn't take a swing at me. Up the way I heard Gunther call out.

"What is it?" he yelled.

"Me 'n' the Captain just killed Junior."

A brief silence. Then: "WooooooHOOOO!" Gunther came jogging down the way, sword in hand, and found the pile of bones. He promptly started to dance a jig on them, kicking them all around the path and crushing them with his big feet. "Serves you right, Wizard! You grab my ass again, you're gonna get a buh-buh-buh-buh-beat-down!" Yep, he said that. Then he picked up the fibula and held it lewdly in front of his crotch like an erection, thrusting it toward Grens and laughing with glee. "Eat it, Wizard, eat it! In your face! Woooo!"

Officially, Grens went to bed, Gunther ran around screaming insults and obscenities then went to bed, Tallow resumed his watch and I sat with him for a few minutes before going to bed. Unofficially, Grens lied awake gritting his teeth, Gunther nearly passed out of hyperventilation, and Tallow and I kept two eyes open between us all night in case the wizard wanted revenge. He didn't come at us, but I'm not gonna believe for a minute he doesn't have a grudge. Only time will tell that.

What we know for sure, though, is that our victory was short-lived. In the morning, after finally managing a short bout of sleep, I woke up to find my club missing.

"Alright Wizard, where's the club?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the fucking club I used to put down your sick pet. Where is it?"

"Haven't seen it."

"Hey Tallow, could that be used in some kind of spell or something? Could he use that for something?"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Captain?"

"Shut it! Let me shit in peace!" The voice was Gunther's but it came from behind a particularly tall cluster of juniper.

"Roger, if you lost this club around here, maybe Junior can find it."

Stare of hatred.

"What do you mean Junior could find it?"

Grens laughed. "He might not have eyes but he can see. I told you he's useful. You'll get used to him."

I jumped up and ran to the edge of camp. There, at his post along the trail, was Junior. Fully intact, at full attention, his spear at his side and his eye sockets staring right at me. Cursing, I ran to the trees along the path. Looking around, I found the copse where we had gotten the clubs. I pushed branches aside and scoured the ground. There! There were the two nice pieces of wood we had made into clubs. Already fallen, still green, not rotten. And not skinned or smoothed in any wise.

"Fuck!" I stalked back to camp and glared at Grens. Then I glared at Tallow, just for good measure. Gunther came around from behind the juniper and I shot him one too.

"We were supposed to be burying him--it!--this morning."

Grens simply chuckled. "You'll get used to him," he almost hissed. "You'll get used to him... you sack of shit."

Angry corpse magician. Outstanding.